if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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