Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
