Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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