Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
