My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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