You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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