i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
