Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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