I can text with my tongue
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
