i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
