It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
