About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I lost the right to judge tonight
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
