everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
