What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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