The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
