How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
