You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
