walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I didn't notice because vodka
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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