idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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