where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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