I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My penis needs a shock collar
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
