I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
where does the pee come out of this thing
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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