then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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