Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
