He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
