So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
