my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
