addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
