Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize