Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
