I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
