I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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