no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
