we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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