I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
