shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
