i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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