i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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