there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
