two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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