Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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