a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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