Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
