my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
