you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
