Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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