I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
