you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
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Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.