I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.