I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
