I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
