Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize