i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
