one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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