I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
