Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
