is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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